Drowning

It seems like lately I've needed to just post a lot of thoughts, and fewer pictures. Maybe I've finally learned to find some therapy in writing out my thoughts. Don't worry - nobody has actually drowned around here lately - I have just been feeling those feelings lately - the suffocation and lack of air.

See, things with Cpc have been rough lately. There are a million possible causes, and a million possible solutions. And that my friends presents me with no help. How do you sift through that? Cpc's potty training has all but tanked. I'm "this close" to saying just bring on the full-time diapering again. How do you put a 4-year-old in diapers after over a year of underwear? I mean really? It's been so up and down - just like his sleep issues always were. We'd think "oh, here's the solution, the thing we've been missing" and it would be marvelous for 2 weeks and then all of a sudden we were back at square 1. This is why all those possible causes and solutions are impossible to sort through. Who can take that kind of roller coaster life? I can't. I'm drowning in it. Particularly today. I've talked to so many people, all with different ideas - more than half of which we've tried. The only thing I keep coming back to in my mind is that something has to be wrong. There is just no explanation for how my child can go pee 6-7 times in an hour and still totally wet his pants. And when there's a problem with my child, I can't help but want to search the world for the answer. Yes, there are things that we can do to make it easier. But even those things only last a couple weeks before my brilliant child finds his way to make it not so helpful. This includes training pants and diapers. And, if potty training were the only issue...

But it's not. Then there is the emotional/social stuff that we are seeing more and more of. Some days Pmc and I just have to review information on Aspberger's to remind ourselves that he's just not quite there. But there is certainly more to our struggles with Cpc than we understand. And that is hard. Especially when we still feel so much skepticism. I don't know where the skepticism comes from really, I just feel it. Every once in a while I wish SPD was more obvious. And yet I don't. I have a cousin who's 5-year-old daughter is starting to go blind. How heartbreaking is that? And that's not the entirety of her daughters issues at all! I don't want my child to lose his vision, obviously. But sometimes I wish SPD was something you couldn't argue with, like blindness. If a person is losing their vision, that's obvious. You just can't argue with it. Yet people feel the need to argue about SPD. I find it in articles all the time. Here I am, a mother trying desperately to find more answers for her son, and people just can't help themselves from commenting on how SPD is a bunch of bologne. And all that does for me is make me hear it in everything anyone says to me. I've become so defensive. Every time I talk to someone about SPD, I can just hear their brain saying "yeah right, you're making this into more than it is." Why do I do this? It's not fair to those people, and it's only hurting me and my family!

But just when I start to think I'm going to sink, I remember all those who do get it, who are understanding and they make sure I know it. They remind me that this is real, that I'm not a hypochondriac for my son, and that there are still more resources to exhaust. Like my mother. I love my mother. I am so grateful for her these days. And friends along the way who share with me little bits of information they find, and remind me that they know this is real. Oh, and certainly not least is the fact that we finally found a pediatrician who I have confidence in, who I know is right for us and can help us. And the resources themselves that all these wonderful people share with me, that give me new hope when I worry we won't get to the bottom of this. And all this reminds me that I wouldn't have Cpc any other way. Because although his struggles are hard, I know they are the very thing that give him the amazing abilities he has. He is so brilliant that it blows my mind on a daily basis. And he is so full of love. And we are learning and growing and understanding so much more about people and the world around us. And so while it feels like I'm drowning, I also know I'm learning to swim in a whole new kind of water, and that is fascinating.

And just so we all understand: No, I am not always able to come full-circle like this when I get down. Sometimes I stay down a lot longer. And yes, Cpc's issues are more prevalent for us right now and it seems to be over-riding everything else a little bit. But I know we'll be able to put it in the background again sometime soon, and it doesn't mean we're not enjoying ourselves at all right now either - we are!