Have I mentioned before that I feel like I'm living my dream-life? I think I have. Well, I do feel that way most of the time, even when things are rough. But I think I tend to only talk about the good things on here, or at least only graze over the bad things. This is our journal, so I'm going to try really hard to change that. I want to make sure I recognize how good my life is, but not make it seem without hardship.
Today I want to write about some of the things that are weighing heavy on my mind. I want to be able to come back to this post in 6 months, or a year, and see how much we really overcame. Because I know we'll overcome it. Somehow.
We got a rather large tax refund this year, that we're really trying to use wisely. We have purchased some camping gear, that is also part of our emergency supplies. We are feeling much better prepared. We are trying to find a good bike to buy, since we loaned one of ours to the missionaries and it got stolen. Biking and Camping are both really important family-time activities for us. We are trying to plan a garden to help with food costs. We are setting some of the money aside as savings, for future purchases like a house. And we are setting some of the money aside for trips that we want to take (travel and visiting historic sites are also an important family activity).
So why is this weighing heavy on my mind, when it seems like such a good thing? Well, to start, I feel kind of guilty getting the money in the first place. I know that this money was earned by other people, and redistributed to me. That makes me uncomfortable. I know there's lots of ways to explain it and make it sound okay, but it feels like a dole nonetheless. But the biggest part of what's getting to me, is that we have no idea how things are going to work for the next year. We haven't found Pmc a summer job yet. We don't get income from the school, or student loans over the summer. I know we could get by over the summer, but it would be so much better if he had a good summer job. He just needs something that pays well, it doesn't even need to have benefits. So how can we continue justifying buying ANYTHING other than food and shelter when we might need the money this summer? Furthermore, Pmc isn't sure they are going to give him the assistantship this next year, and I wish they would just let us know so that we can make plans. The set-up they have for these assistantships is really lame, and really leaves us hanging.
Another thing that has really irked me is that we have planned to go to the temple every single month since like October, and haven't been able to get there. We both hate this. How is it that plans can fall through so easily for that? Our temple is only 50 minutes away, and we were in Utah where it's only 15 minutes away for a month. Seriously, I want the comfort and peace I feel at the temple.
We are also feeling a little overwhelmed by our church responsibilities. I don't think we've been given too much. We are simply both very good at putting our family first, and therefore sometimes neglecting the things that are needed in our ward and callings. This ward is so transient, as well as being full of needs, so there is simply a lot to do. We don't often feel qualified for our tasks. We both sometimes wish we were in one of the other wards, not because we wouldn't be as busy, but because we have more close friends there. I feel like an awful person for saying that. Church is about serving others and learning of Christ, not just friends.
We want to get to know more of our neighbors, but we're also both a little on the shy side, so it's hard. We want to share the gospel. The only people I know in Syracuse are church members, and the few neighbors I'm trying to get to know. I hated hearing that as a missionary. How did I help people with that? Did I not realize that stay-at-home moms really do stay at home all day?
I am grateful that c-sections are possible, and I am grateful for the peace I felt about needing this one. But it doesn't mean I don't see my scar and wish it weren't there, or wonder if I will ever be able to have a child without one, or if we will get to have all of the five more children we want to have, or if I will ever get to enjoy the newborn phase without dealing with recovering from major surgery. I don't want to have one more c-section. I hate them. I admit that sometimes I wonder why in the world I had to have the cyst in the first place.
I also have all these projects I want to do, but simply have to fit into spare moments, which are hard to come by, especially if I'm supposed to be using them to fulfill church callings. I really want to finish this bedding for the cribs. I want to get a few solid lesson plans done for my pre-joy-school idea, and test them with some other moms. I want to create a learning circle with some other moms. I want to take time to practice my violin more, before my fingers get wussy.
And I complain about all this when I do take the time to read posts in my google reader, and look at people's pictures on facebook. But that's another thing that is important to me. I want to keep up with my friends and family.
So maybe these last few things are really about prioritizing. Somewhere along the line I'll figure it out. But for now I just don't want to let one joyous moment of my kid's lives pass me by.
And maybe the whole of this post is simply a bunch of small struggles that build to make what looks like an insurmountable obstacle. So we'll just try to attack them individually.
Have I mentioned the beautiful buds on the trees here, and the hopes of blossoms to come? Have I mentioned the GORGEOUS weather we've been having? It sure is a welcome change from the dreary Syracuse skies. We're getting lots of Vitamin D, and just maybe that will be what gives us the strength to attack each obstacle. That and a whole lot of kisses and hugs from our beautiful boys, and each other!
p.s. I know the music doesn't really fit with the rest of the playlist, but I think I needed it.
Today I want to write about some of the things that are weighing heavy on my mind. I want to be able to come back to this post in 6 months, or a year, and see how much we really overcame. Because I know we'll overcome it. Somehow.
We got a rather large tax refund this year, that we're really trying to use wisely. We have purchased some camping gear, that is also part of our emergency supplies. We are feeling much better prepared. We are trying to find a good bike to buy, since we loaned one of ours to the missionaries and it got stolen. Biking and Camping are both really important family-time activities for us. We are trying to plan a garden to help with food costs. We are setting some of the money aside as savings, for future purchases like a house. And we are setting some of the money aside for trips that we want to take (travel and visiting historic sites are also an important family activity).
So why is this weighing heavy on my mind, when it seems like such a good thing? Well, to start, I feel kind of guilty getting the money in the first place. I know that this money was earned by other people, and redistributed to me. That makes me uncomfortable. I know there's lots of ways to explain it and make it sound okay, but it feels like a dole nonetheless. But the biggest part of what's getting to me, is that we have no idea how things are going to work for the next year. We haven't found Pmc a summer job yet. We don't get income from the school, or student loans over the summer. I know we could get by over the summer, but it would be so much better if he had a good summer job. He just needs something that pays well, it doesn't even need to have benefits. So how can we continue justifying buying ANYTHING other than food and shelter when we might need the money this summer? Furthermore, Pmc isn't sure they are going to give him the assistantship this next year, and I wish they would just let us know so that we can make plans. The set-up they have for these assistantships is really lame, and really leaves us hanging.
Another thing that has really irked me is that we have planned to go to the temple every single month since like October, and haven't been able to get there. We both hate this. How is it that plans can fall through so easily for that? Our temple is only 50 minutes away, and we were in Utah where it's only 15 minutes away for a month. Seriously, I want the comfort and peace I feel at the temple.
We are also feeling a little overwhelmed by our church responsibilities. I don't think we've been given too much. We are simply both very good at putting our family first, and therefore sometimes neglecting the things that are needed in our ward and callings. This ward is so transient, as well as being full of needs, so there is simply a lot to do. We don't often feel qualified for our tasks. We both sometimes wish we were in one of the other wards, not because we wouldn't be as busy, but because we have more close friends there. I feel like an awful person for saying that. Church is about serving others and learning of Christ, not just friends.
We want to get to know more of our neighbors, but we're also both a little on the shy side, so it's hard. We want to share the gospel. The only people I know in Syracuse are church members, and the few neighbors I'm trying to get to know. I hated hearing that as a missionary. How did I help people with that? Did I not realize that stay-at-home moms really do stay at home all day?
I am grateful that c-sections are possible, and I am grateful for the peace I felt about needing this one. But it doesn't mean I don't see my scar and wish it weren't there, or wonder if I will ever be able to have a child without one, or if we will get to have all of the five more children we want to have, or if I will ever get to enjoy the newborn phase without dealing with recovering from major surgery. I don't want to have one more c-section. I hate them. I admit that sometimes I wonder why in the world I had to have the cyst in the first place.
I also have all these projects I want to do, but simply have to fit into spare moments, which are hard to come by, especially if I'm supposed to be using them to fulfill church callings. I really want to finish this bedding for the cribs. I want to get a few solid lesson plans done for my pre-joy-school idea, and test them with some other moms. I want to create a learning circle with some other moms. I want to take time to practice my violin more, before my fingers get wussy.
And I complain about all this when I do take the time to read posts in my google reader, and look at people's pictures on facebook. But that's another thing that is important to me. I want to keep up with my friends and family.
So maybe these last few things are really about prioritizing. Somewhere along the line I'll figure it out. But for now I just don't want to let one joyous moment of my kid's lives pass me by.
And maybe the whole of this post is simply a bunch of small struggles that build to make what looks like an insurmountable obstacle. So we'll just try to attack them individually.
Have I mentioned the beautiful buds on the trees here, and the hopes of blossoms to come? Have I mentioned the GORGEOUS weather we've been having? It sure is a welcome change from the dreary Syracuse skies. We're getting lots of Vitamin D, and just maybe that will be what gives us the strength to attack each obstacle. That and a whole lot of kisses and hugs from our beautiful boys, and each other!
p.s. I know the music doesn't really fit with the rest of the playlist, but I think I needed it.
3 comments:
Some days things can seem like such a struggle, even if the day before felt like complete bliss. Interesting how that works...Sometimes I just have to focus on the current moment and train my mind not to think quite so much about all the other stuff. I usually feel quite a bit better before too long. :)
There are just a lot of days like this when you think one of these things is a struggle but when you add them all up, it's almost more than you can bear...until you realize that you just have to take things one at a time and somehow..eventually things work out and things get done so when you get to the end of your rope.."tie and knot and hang on!"
Oh My friend! You guys are Awesome and I know you will make it through...I loved the music, and I like the pict...YOU GUYS..Shy? Really? Well, YOu will see someday how this has made you beter, and you will see how happy you really are! It will be all ok. I hate having days like that, where all I can seem to see are the things that are a bit frustrating...but I guess it is good everyonce in a while. I had one yesterday. Love you guys, good luck with everything!
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